black pile

I gave up and I am trying not to hate myself for that. Gave up talking to people, gave up on building relationships. I felt like a weight clung to my soul, like any attempt to speak made me weaker and weaker. Every time I spoke I felt like I was doing something wrong… not towards myself, but to others. And now, on this gloomy day I am again contemplating the possibilities where the world would not be poisoned by this virus. But it is not the regular one. This one is strange.



The person should agree to have it, it is so simple like this. And you might think: “who on earth would want to get a virus willingly?” but you will be surprised. At least I was. I am still surprised, though it has been 3 years since it all started. The virus deploys a person from empathy in early stages, this is why it is scary, it is hard to notice. But after some time it is easier, because a person's body starts to lose its form. In the late stages… It is a literal zombie.
Zombies armed with guns, rockets and bombs. I love this reality and the irony of it. Sarcasm.
But I am still alive, yet living like a plant. Eating, sleeping… I intended to go outside today.
I spent the whole morning in bed, scribbling something in my notebook not thinking about anything in particular. Sometimes, considering my living situation, I am thinking about burning all my notebooks, but I decided against it. I gave up, after all. I chose to embrace reality, I chose to accept my body, I decided to fight without fighting. I did it yesterday, watching darkness through the window of my rented cave. And just yesterday, the day I decided to get out of my slumber regardless of constant air alerts and sounds of explosions - he appeared. And now I think I might have a virus too, yet a different one.
“Do you want some coffee?” asked the huge pile of black fur.
I tend to lose my voice when I am startled, so instead I almost lost my consciousness.
“Don’t be like that,” said a pile of fur. “I was here all the time, but now that you can see me, I can make you something hot to drink.” He was silent for a moment. “I think you need some herbal tea insed. Got some ginger?”
Yeah, yeah, something like that. A black wolf appeared in my apartment. Unfortunately, my landlord forbid pets.